This is wonderful, and I’m saving it. I have three young adult children, so the ways the church talks about (or doesn’t talk about) sex has become heavier in my thoughts lately. I so appreciate you addressing sexuality frankly but without vulgarity. As a Christian wife, I have been in situations where I desperately wished there were Christian resources, but it felt like I either had to turn to the perversion of the secular, porn-saturated world or figure it out myself.
We’ve already gotten a bit of backlash for this content because evidently Christians are not “allowed” to talk about sex because it’s unholy or dirty or something, but we don’t let that spirit of religion prevent us from sharing things that could help people. 🫶
I stand with you, l my sister and brother in Christ. Enough with the religious spirit already. We will not allow ourselves to be intimidated. We will speak what the Lord calls us to speak, with both confidence and humility.
This can be a big deal for more introverted people. By the time all the wedding stuff is done, you can have gone from “Yay, us!” to “Ugh, people!”. It’s totally ok to just fall asleep together then wake up next morning refreshed with a twinkle in your eye and lots of glorious potential lying next to you in the bed.
How do you handle the situation where one newlywed is buzzing & the other is drained?
Yeah, that's a good question. I cover that in the article — in the men's section towards the end. It happens, and it's definitely not the end of the world. ☺️
Thank you! I wish I had had someone talk to me like this. I did not even know how sex worked until I was over 21, and I had to Google it. We could not even consummate our marriage until over a month after marriage, because of pain on my part. I have a condition called vaginismus, which is usually caused by the purity culture and unhealthy mindsets surrounding sex. Over 2 years later, sex is still painful and uncomfortable, and I am currently in a program, (PFI by Jess Seitz), seeking healing. I share all of this to show the great harm that silence and negativity can do. You are doing a wonderful work of love. May God reward you for it.
Thank you for sharing something so personal and so hard. Vaginismus is real and it deserves real treatment, not silence, and we're glad you're in a program that's walking you through healing rather than just gritting your teeth through it. Two years of pain is a long road, and you naming it here so plainly might be the reason someone else gets help years sooner than you did. Praying for continued healing for you and your husband. 🙏
This is so great and I wish I had it when I was younger! I grew up in the purity movement and found that saving myself was easy because I was scared to death of physical intimacy, even kissing! The purity movement built up the anticipation of martial sex so much that I was paralyzed by the fear that I would be "bad" or not know what to do... Unfortunately, that fear was used by the devil. The thought occurred to me that I could just "get it over with" with someone who didn't matter, rip the band aid off so to speak, and then I'd be "good in bed" for whomever I eventually married. Big mistake and it did NOT work.... sex outside of marriage trapped me for five years with multiple partners, trying to feel beautiful and cherished, before I found my husband. After getting married, it took us years to heal from the hurt caused by our sexual sins outside of marriage, but God is faithful.... Anyway, I'm truly blessed reading this article. Practical, straightforward, and gentle conversations like the ones you're having are exactly what young couples need. What a beautiful ministry. Ugh. I wish I could hug Mama Z. <3
Eden, thank you for trusting us with this. We're grateful you're here now, healed enough and honest enough to help someone else dodge that same trap. That takes real courage and a lot of love. ❤️
This was so well written! I appreciate how direct and honest you both were while still somehow keeping the particulars veiled as a sacred mystery for the couple to discover on their own. There was enough truth and transparency for a good understanding, but not a drop of vulgarity or explicitness. Thank you for sharing this resource! :)
Thank you for this. When we were married 47 years ago, I expected sex to feel different than it did in the back seat of the car. It did not.
It became a thing we had to do every night possible. He didn't like abstinence during ovulation, so I took pills (annoyed that I had to take them so he could still have a good time). He doesn't think it's all about him, and makes a good effort to see me finish, but sometimes didn't accept "it's not happening tonight", adding to my anxiety.
We became Christians after getting married. About 4 years after having two kids, I was wanting a little space between sex (2-3 nights). He reminded me what the Bible says about my body belonging to him, and his to me, and that we are not supposed to deny each other (1 Corinthians ch(?)7). Wow. That didn't help my attitude at all.
Now, after menopause, my insides are dry and the itching is intense. I've used moisturizers - some burn, some just seem messy. The gyn prescribed hormone cream. I use a small amount every 5 days. It works, but causes inflammation; the day after I use it, things are tender and puffy. Also causes hot flashes as my hormones are now fluctuating. Meanwhile, his appetite is still strong. I'm glad he's patient and will wait.
I wish my mindset was healthy, and sex didn't feel like "my job". I used to wish I could just go to bed and be held without expectations (or disappointment), being able to fall asleep in his arms. I would sometimes dawdle, waiting til he fell asleep to come to bed. For a couple years I developed anxiety about going to bed, not realizing I had brought that on myself.
God is good, patient to walk with us along the path and direct our steps. I no longer "hate" going to bed. I don't think of sex as a chore to check off - tho we do joke about "filling the square" like we do after a meal.
I hope your article helps hundreds of young couples get started well. It will prevent a lifetime of frustration and regret.
Debbie, thank you for trusting us with all of this. Forty-seven years of wrestling honestly and still choosing each other night after night, that's the real testimony here, not a highlight reel. The dry seasons, the resentment you had to work through, the mindset that took years to heal... all of it matters, and sharing it will genuinely help couples starting out. Grateful for you and for a God who's patient enough to walk that whole path with you both. <3
I love that you’re having these conversations!! I got married at 20, and by the grace of God our wedding night was wonderful. But it could have gone so wrong because we were both very young, very inexperienced, and very naive. 12 years and a lotta life later and we have 2 kids and we’re both trying to figure out how to talk to them about their bodies and sex in a Godly way when neither of us had a good example.
Thanks Nicole, we definitely need to remove the stigma around Christians talking about certain topics and we're thrilled to get such a positive response from folks here on Substack and other places like IG and FB. :)
Thank you. I have much underlying shame or guilt or something surrounding my wedding night and the first few months. Definitely thought I had to perform. And then he would talk excitedly over the years of how we used to have sex multiple times a day sometimes, etc, and I just feel shame, because he enjoyed it, but to me, it was something I thought I had to do, to make it exciting for him. But I don't know how to get past it. (Being busy with little kids doesn't help). I don't know how to enjoy it. I don't have time to figure it out, and I don't know where to look honestly. I've tried looking up different moves or positions, but what else? He understands, but is clueless how to help me, so it just continues on as usual. I try to be happy for him that he experiences such great pleasure (and he wants me to experience it too), but inside I'm just kinda sad bc I don't know how. At least it doesn't hurt or anything.
Oh, Nikki, our heart goes out to you. There is no shame in your story, and you’re not alone in this. You experience intimacy as something you can enjoy, too. And don’t forget: it’s never too late to learn, grow, and rediscover that part of yourself. We’re praying that God will guide you through this in a way that brings you and your husband closer together. ❤️
This is wonderful, and I’m saving it. I have three young adult children, so the ways the church talks about (or doesn’t talk about) sex has become heavier in my thoughts lately. I so appreciate you addressing sexuality frankly but without vulgarity. As a Christian wife, I have been in situations where I desperately wished there were Christian resources, but it felt like I either had to turn to the perversion of the secular, porn-saturated world or figure it out myself.
Yes us too. Wish these kinds of resources were available when we were younger. Maybe they were, but we didn’t know about it.
Thankful for Substack that we can post these topics without censorship. ❤️
Thank you for a wonderful conversation that needs to be had. Because marital sex was always meant to be something beautiful.
Thank you, friend.
We’ve already gotten a bit of backlash for this content because evidently Christians are not “allowed” to talk about sex because it’s unholy or dirty or something, but we don’t let that spirit of religion prevent us from sharing things that could help people. 🫶
I stand with you, l my sister and brother in Christ. Enough with the religious spirit already. We will not allow ourselves to be intimidated. We will speak what the Lord calls us to speak, with both confidence and humility.
This can be a big deal for more introverted people. By the time all the wedding stuff is done, you can have gone from “Yay, us!” to “Ugh, people!”. It’s totally ok to just fall asleep together then wake up next morning refreshed with a twinkle in your eye and lots of glorious potential lying next to you in the bed.
How do you handle the situation where one newlywed is buzzing & the other is drained?
Yeah, that's a good question. I cover that in the article — in the men's section towards the end. It happens, and it's definitely not the end of the world. ☺️
Thank you! I wish I had had someone talk to me like this. I did not even know how sex worked until I was over 21, and I had to Google it. We could not even consummate our marriage until over a month after marriage, because of pain on my part. I have a condition called vaginismus, which is usually caused by the purity culture and unhealthy mindsets surrounding sex. Over 2 years later, sex is still painful and uncomfortable, and I am currently in a program, (PFI by Jess Seitz), seeking healing. I share all of this to show the great harm that silence and negativity can do. You are doing a wonderful work of love. May God reward you for it.
Thank you for sharing something so personal and so hard. Vaginismus is real and it deserves real treatment, not silence, and we're glad you're in a program that's walking you through healing rather than just gritting your teeth through it. Two years of pain is a long road, and you naming it here so plainly might be the reason someone else gets help years sooner than you did. Praying for continued healing for you and your husband. 🙏
This is so great and I wish I had it when I was younger! I grew up in the purity movement and found that saving myself was easy because I was scared to death of physical intimacy, even kissing! The purity movement built up the anticipation of martial sex so much that I was paralyzed by the fear that I would be "bad" or not know what to do... Unfortunately, that fear was used by the devil. The thought occurred to me that I could just "get it over with" with someone who didn't matter, rip the band aid off so to speak, and then I'd be "good in bed" for whomever I eventually married. Big mistake and it did NOT work.... sex outside of marriage trapped me for five years with multiple partners, trying to feel beautiful and cherished, before I found my husband. After getting married, it took us years to heal from the hurt caused by our sexual sins outside of marriage, but God is faithful.... Anyway, I'm truly blessed reading this article. Practical, straightforward, and gentle conversations like the ones you're having are exactly what young couples need. What a beautiful ministry. Ugh. I wish I could hug Mama Z. <3
Hugs friend!!🤗
Eden, thank you for trusting us with this. We're grateful you're here now, healed enough and honest enough to help someone else dodge that same trap. That takes real courage and a lot of love. ❤️
This was so well written! I appreciate how direct and honest you both were while still somehow keeping the particulars veiled as a sacred mystery for the couple to discover on their own. There was enough truth and transparency for a good understanding, but not a drop of vulgarity or explicitness. Thank you for sharing this resource! :)
Thank you Emma, that was our intent and so happy it came across the right way. :)
Thank you for this. When we were married 47 years ago, I expected sex to feel different than it did in the back seat of the car. It did not.
It became a thing we had to do every night possible. He didn't like abstinence during ovulation, so I took pills (annoyed that I had to take them so he could still have a good time). He doesn't think it's all about him, and makes a good effort to see me finish, but sometimes didn't accept "it's not happening tonight", adding to my anxiety.
We became Christians after getting married. About 4 years after having two kids, I was wanting a little space between sex (2-3 nights). He reminded me what the Bible says about my body belonging to him, and his to me, and that we are not supposed to deny each other (1 Corinthians ch(?)7). Wow. That didn't help my attitude at all.
Now, after menopause, my insides are dry and the itching is intense. I've used moisturizers - some burn, some just seem messy. The gyn prescribed hormone cream. I use a small amount every 5 days. It works, but causes inflammation; the day after I use it, things are tender and puffy. Also causes hot flashes as my hormones are now fluctuating. Meanwhile, his appetite is still strong. I'm glad he's patient and will wait.
I wish my mindset was healthy, and sex didn't feel like "my job". I used to wish I could just go to bed and be held without expectations (or disappointment), being able to fall asleep in his arms. I would sometimes dawdle, waiting til he fell asleep to come to bed. For a couple years I developed anxiety about going to bed, not realizing I had brought that on myself.
God is good, patient to walk with us along the path and direct our steps. I no longer "hate" going to bed. I don't think of sex as a chore to check off - tho we do joke about "filling the square" like we do after a meal.
I hope your article helps hundreds of young couples get started well. It will prevent a lifetime of frustration and regret.
Debbie, thank you for trusting us with all of this. Forty-seven years of wrestling honestly and still choosing each other night after night, that's the real testimony here, not a highlight reel. The dry seasons, the resentment you had to work through, the mindset that took years to heal... all of it matters, and sharing it will genuinely help couples starting out. Grateful for you and for a God who's patient enough to walk that whole path with you both. <3
I am so sorry you have had to go through this. Prayers for you. 🙏
I love that you’re having these conversations!! I got married at 20, and by the grace of God our wedding night was wonderful. But it could have gone so wrong because we were both very young, very inexperienced, and very naive. 12 years and a lotta life later and we have 2 kids and we’re both trying to figure out how to talk to them about their bodies and sex in a Godly way when neither of us had a good example.
Thanks Nicole, we definitely need to remove the stigma around Christians talking about certain topics and we're thrilled to get such a positive response from folks here on Substack and other places like IG and FB. :)
Thank you. I have much underlying shame or guilt or something surrounding my wedding night and the first few months. Definitely thought I had to perform. And then he would talk excitedly over the years of how we used to have sex multiple times a day sometimes, etc, and I just feel shame, because he enjoyed it, but to me, it was something I thought I had to do, to make it exciting for him. But I don't know how to get past it. (Being busy with little kids doesn't help). I don't know how to enjoy it. I don't have time to figure it out, and I don't know where to look honestly. I've tried looking up different moves or positions, but what else? He understands, but is clueless how to help me, so it just continues on as usual. I try to be happy for him that he experiences such great pleasure (and he wants me to experience it too), but inside I'm just kinda sad bc I don't know how. At least it doesn't hurt or anything.
Oh, Nikki, our heart goes out to you. There is no shame in your story, and you’re not alone in this. You experience intimacy as something you can enjoy, too. And don’t forget: it’s never too late to learn, grow, and rediscover that part of yourself. We’re praying that God will guide you through this in a way that brings you and your husband closer together. ❤️