Having a bit of a viral moment because we touched a nerve on Instagram and Facebook recently with this post. Here’s the expanded and unabridged version as promised...
This is the conversation I wish someone had started with me in my 30s.
God created this gift on purpose, and wives are allowed to enjoy it…
Mama Z here.
This article is definitely for the ladies out there, but the guys reading will benefit as well. Especially if your love life isn’t what you are expecting it should be.
After 19 years of marriage and eight pregnancies, I can look back and see how much I did not understand about sex in my 30s.
Like many Christian women, I understood the boundaries surrounding sex before marriage.
What I did not fully understand was how to build a joyful, honest, mutually satisfying sex life within marriage while raising children, recovering from childbirth, managing a home, dealing with stress, and walking through the physical and emotional changes that come with each new season.
The Church should be a place where married couples can receive Biblical truth about intimacy without shame or vulgarity. God created sex, and we should be able to discuss it with wisdom and discretion.
I really hope you find this helpful like many of our social media followers have, and I will be sprinkling in some of the recent comments so you can see what I’m referring to…
First, a Word About Being Equally Yoked
Enjoying sex is part of the abundant life God intends for marriage.
This gift is ordained by God to be enjoyed by one man and one woman, and it works best when you are equally yoked with a man who loves and serves the Lord.
When both husband and wife are surrendered to Christ, intimacy has somewhere solid to stand. Selfishness gets confronted.
Repentance is possible. Forgiveness becomes more than something you manufacture on your own.
If your husband does not know Jesus, or he knows Him and is not walking with Him, I want you to hear this clearly. That is a hard place to be.
You are not imagining the weight of it, and you are not less spiritual for feeling it.
I join you in prayer for his salvation and deliverance.
I will not hand you a formula. Scripture does not promise that your obedience will change your husband on your timeline.
It does tell you that God sees you, that your faithfulness is not wasted, and that He can reach a heart you cannot reach.
Keep praying. Keep your own walk with God strong.
Find godly women who will carry this with you. And do not let anyone convince you that a difficult marriage is proof that you lack faith.
Here are 10 things I wish I had known about sex in my 30s as a Christian wife…
1. Your Husband Needs to Know That Foreplay Begins When You Wake Up
To open yourself up to somebody in sexual intercourse is the most vulnerable act someone can do. I’m not talking about a carnal, sinful, one-night stand after meeting someone at the bar.
I’m talking about deep, intimate lovemaking between a husband and a wife.
The entire experience and relationship is based on trust.
So, husbands need to understand that foreplay does not begin five minutes before sex. For many wives, it begins with how her husband speaks to her in the morning and how loved, noticed, and supported she feels throughout the day.
It looks like affection without an immediate expectation of sex. It sounds like encouragement instead of criticism.
It can mean changing diapers, helping the children get ready, sharing the workload, or noticing what needs to be done without waiting to be asked.
When a wife has spent the day meeting everyone else’s needs, she may not instantly become relaxed and receptive at bedtime. A husband who serves his family helps create the trust and closeness that strengthen physical intimacy.
Wives, we also need to explain this lovingly.
Again… sex begins with trust. Husbands need to understand that trust is easily broken but takes time to restore in most women — especially when a wife feels violated, abused, or neglected.
And wives need to explain this lovingly.
2. God Designed Sex to Be Enjoyable for Both of You
Let me state it bluntly: God did not design marital intimacy as something a husband enjoys and a wife merely endures.
If people weren’t meant to enjoy sex, humanity would have gone extinct long ago. Somewhere along the road, sinful men corrupted this gift, and we need to bring balance back to the equation.
“I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me.” — Song of Solomon 7:10
The Bible is not embarrassed by mutual desire within marriage. God created husbands and wives to give themselves to one another in love, tenderness, pleasure, and trust.
Enjoying sex with your husband is not dirty or selfish. And a wife’s pleasure matters too.
Healthy marital intimacy is not one-sided, rushed, demanded, or reduced to another household task. It requires patience, generosity, and a willingness to keep learning one another.
3. If Sex Is Not Enjoyable, Ask Why
This public comment left on Facebook really highlights my point…
If sex has become painful, empty, frightening, exhausting, or something you continually dread, do not simply assume this is how marriage must be (more on that below).
There is usually a reason worth exploring. For me, a birth injury fractured my tailbone and changed the structure of my pelvis.
Ouch! It wasn’t until months of pelvic floor therapy that I was able to truly release myself to my husband without fear.
Pain, dryness, exhaustion, hormonal changes, medications, resentment, shame, past trauma, betrayal, relationship conflict, and feeling emotionally disconnected can all affect intimacy.
Pray and ask God for wisdom. Talk honestly with your spouse.
Consider whether you need appropriate medical care, counseling, or another form of support.
Do not settle for years of silent frustration when healing, understanding, or practical help may be available.
“I’m grateful to be here, receiving encouragement, recipes, and whole-body transformation. Even after trying times, I trust you and Mama Z. The spiritual aspect completes the system: body, soul, and spirit.”
— Ellen D.
4. You Should Not Have to Push Through Pain and Dryness
Women are sometimes taught to expect discomfort and say nothing. But pain is a signal to investigate, not an obligation to silently tolerate.
Pregnancy, delivery, tearing, scar tissue, pelvic-floor dysfunction, breastfeeding-related changes, and other health concerns can all affect comfort.
It’s worth repeating if you just missed what I said above, after 8 pregnancies, 7 babies and difficult childbirths, pelvic-floor therapy has been a godsend for me.
Getting help does not mean you are failing as a wife. It means you are caring for the body God gave you.
Communicate with your husband instead of suffering quietly. A loving husband should care that his wife feels safe and comfortable.
Intimacy should NEVER require you to ignore serious pain or override your body’s warning signs.
5. What You Eat Matters
Your body does not stop being a body when you enter the bedroom. Your energy, mood, hormones, and overall well-being are connected to how you nourish yourself.
It is difficult to feel vibrant when you are dehydrated, living on sugar, skipping meals, or relying heavily on ultra-processed food. Start with the basics: drink pure water, eat real food, include quality protein and healthy fats, and choose foods that nourish rather than continually inflame your body.
Notice how you feel a few hours after you eat. If you crash every afternoon, that crash does not disappear by evening.
It shows up as short patience, low energy, and no desire for anything but sleep.
Food is not a magic cure or another reason to chase perfection. It is one part of the energy and well-being you bring into your marriage.
6. Movement Matters
Regular movement is another part of caring for your whole body.
Walking, strength training, stretching, and daily activity can support energy, stress relief, confidence, and connection with your body.
Exercise should not be punishment for how your body looks. Your husband did not marry an edited photograph, and your worth is not determined by whether your body resembles someone you saw online.
Move because your body is a gift. Let exercise help you feel more present in it, not more ashamed of it.
You do not need a gym membership or a program to start. A walk after dinner counts.
Ten minutes of stretching before bed counts.
If your husband will walk with you, even better, because moving together is its own kind of connection.
7. Past Wounds Matter
Past abuse, betrayal, pornography, sexual sin, coercion, or years of shame-based teaching can follow someone into the marriage bed.
Marriage does not automatically erase trauma. A wedding ceremony cannot instantly remove every fear, memory, or protective response your body learned before you met your spouse.
Bring those wounds before God. Prayer is essential, but receiving help is not evidence that you lack faith.
Wise pastoral care, trauma-informed counseling, or therapy may be important parts of healing.
Your spouse should not shame you for needing time and support. At the same time, unresolved pain should not be ignored indefinitely.
Healing often requires courage, truth, forgiveness, boundaries, prayer, and the willingness to let trusted people help.
And you need to recognize that he has physical sexual needs that God gave him that need to be met. How you work that out between the two of you while you get freed from your past is really important. You can’t have a “sexless marriage” for six months because you’re in therapy. That’s just not fair to him.
Wives, you can read between the lines here, but there’s more than one way to meet his physical needs and still honor your need for security and healing.
“Thank you so much for everything you all do, and especially today for the Scriptures. I really needed those today.”
— Mary G.
8. Your Husband Cannot Read Your Mind
Tell your husband what you desire, what you fantasize about, what your boundaries are, what you enjoy, and what you do not enjoy.
Many couples expect a healthy sex life to happen automatically. Then they become frustrated when their unspoken expectations do not match.
Honest communication strengthens intimacy. Talk outside the bedroom when neither of you feels pressured or rejected.
Ask questions. Listen without becoming defensive.
Be willing to laugh, learn, apologize, and try again.
This openness should extend beyond sex.
Tell your husband when you feel overwhelmed, lonely, unappreciated, or disconnected. Let him know what helps you feel loved.
Invite him to share the same things with you.
9. Sex Should Never Become a Weapon
“Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time.” — 1 Corinthians 7:5
This is the verse that usually gets us in trouble online…
This instruction is mutual. Sex should never involve pressure, coercion, manipulation, punishment, or entitlement.
Neither spouse should use Scripture to demand access to the other person’s body without love and consideration.
At the same time, ongoing withholding should not become normal. There are legitimate times not to make love, including fasting, pain, illness, postpartum healing, overwhelming exhaustion, relationship crises, and mutually agreed seasons of prayer.
But silence, avoidance, and indefinite rejection can deeply wound a marriage.
Talk about what is happening. Pray together.
Address the physical or relational cause. Seek healing instead of allowing distance to become your new normal.
And it’s worth repeating — like women, men have a physical God-given need for sex. Wives, you can read between the lines here, but there’s more than one way to meet his needs and still honor your need for security and healing.
Biblical intimacy calls both husband and wife away from selfishness and toward generosity, honesty, and mutual care.
10. You May Need Help Shifting From Mom Mode to Wife Mode
This has been one of the hardest lessons for me.
After meeting everyone else’s needs all day, my body does not instantly switch into intimacy the way my husband’s often can. Sometimes I need time to slow down and become present.
That may look like prayer, a warm bath, quiet music, diffused essential oils, or a back rub. Properly diluted essential oils can also be incorporated into massage, but keep them away from genital tissue and other sensitive areas.
These practices are not substitutes for communication, healing, or a healthy marriage. They are simple ways to help your mind and body move out of constant responsibility and into connection.
Husbands, do not underestimate the power of patience.
Wives, do not feel guilty for explaining what helps you transition.
Intimacy & trust grow when both spouses care about creating the conditions in which the other can feel safe, loved, and present.
Bible Health Brings It All Together
A healthy sex life is not built through one essential oil (even though lavender and ylang ylang can help!), one technique, or one perfectly romantic evening.
Food matters. Movement matters.
Physical pain matters. Emotional healing matters.
Communication matters. Natural remedies can help.
Prayer matters most because we need God’s wisdom, healing, conviction, and grace in every part of marriage.
Sex within marriage is God’s gift, but healthy enjoyable intimacy is cultivated. It grows through trust, service, laughter, honesty, affection, forgiveness, patience, experimentation, and years of learning one another.
If something is wrong, do not hide behind shame. Bring it into the light with wisdom.
Talk to your spouse. Pray.
Get appropriate help. Keep choosing one another.
God designed marital intimacy to be holy, connecting, and enjoyable for both husband and wife.
You are allowed (and called by God) to enjoy His gift.
A Prayer for You. 🙏
Heavenly Father, thank You for the gift of marriage and for designing intimacy to be good, joyful and full of life.
Give me the courage to talk openly with my husband, and the wisdom to care for my body and my heart the way You intended.
Draw my husband and me closer to You and to each other, and fill our marriage with patience, laughter and tenderness.
Let our home be a place where love is honored, protected and enjoyed, just as You designed it.
Amen.
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As always, our hope and prayer is that you experience the abundant life.
~ Dr. Z & Mama Z
Thank you for this article. I've been posting on another platform about marriage, getting ready to post about sex and marriage. Because the conversation certainly needs to shift. Thank you for being willing to help shift the conversation. This is one of my favorites that you've written.
This is so helpful!